did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
