why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
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