i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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