I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
