well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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