i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
we made out on top of his cat.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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