2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize