Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
