I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
