Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
BRING THE BAGELS
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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