i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
did i just pee glitter
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
