just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
