My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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