i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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