My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
