I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Found your dick twin last night
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
