She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
