I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
