nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
