Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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