my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize