Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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