I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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