You just made me feel so damn special
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
