the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
