I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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