I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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