I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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