Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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