It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize