There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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