Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
