Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
