if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
