what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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