Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
