You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
