Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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