Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
