last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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