I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
