Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
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