My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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