I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
