I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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