3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
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