youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
