he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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