i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
