You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
