I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
