All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
