STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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