I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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