Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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