I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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