Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
