Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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