just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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