found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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