I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
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