I think my fart just growled at me.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
