Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
