6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
just found out that she named her cat after me.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
