i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
