It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
