Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
We have started to decorate penises.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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