Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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